Unconditional Love

I've been out of town in Yellowstone for almost a week and have been anxiously awaiting an opportunity to post again! I am so excited to share just a couple thoughts with you today.

I have been pondering God's unconditional love for us.  He loves us no matter what.  He loves us when we sin, when we complain, when we're perfect and when we feel as if we fail.  He will never stop loving us, no matter what.  Satan will always try to convince us otherwise.  I advise you to ignore Satan completely and instead, turn to the word and promise of the Lord.

There is a wonderful talk from the October 2006 General Conference given by Anthony D. Perkins titled "The Great and Wonderful Love" that teaches incredible truths concerning the love of God and the lies of Satan.   There are many other things I could talk about from this talk but I want to focus on one paragraph that helps me on hard days.  It reads...

"God the Father is merciful and has infinite love for you despite your faults.  Only the voice of Satan will cause you to feel of no value."

Oftentimes we are our own worst critics.  We are not kind to ourselves.  I once had an Institute instructor, Brother Saunders, who taught me a very important thing to remember concerning how I treat myself.  He taught me never to say anything to or about myself that I wouldn't say to my friend or neighbor.  When I wake up in the morning and say "Melissa, you have three new zits, that takes away from your beauty", I am saying something I would never say to my neighbor.  Or, when I say, "you've put on some weight, you look terrible", I am insulting myself and cutting down my self worth.  These statements and many others come from Satan.  They are planted in our minds to make us feel of no value.  They are destroying thoughts.  They will ruin mine and your spirit.

Instead, love yourself as God loves you, UNCONDITIONALLY.  As Anthony D. Perkins said, God loves us, even with our faults.  He never gives up on us.  He will never cut us down.  So why do we keep doing it to ourselves?!

In the scriptures we are taught, "...the worth of souls is great in the sight of God." (Doctrine and Covenants 18:10)  We are of great worth, to God!! He is the creator of all things.  Yet he knows and loves us personally.  How do we know that yet still not like ourselves?

It could be due to the paradox President Uchtdorf addressed in the October 2011 General Conference in his talk titled "You Matter to Him."

He says "This is a paradox of man: compared to God, man is nothing; yet we are everything to God. While against the backdrop of infinite creation we may appear to be nothing, we have a spark of eternal fire burning within our breast. We have the incomprehensible promise of exaltation—worlds without end—within our grasp. And it is God’s great desire to help us reach it."

I think we start to expect perfection from ourselves.  We want to be just as great as God wants us to become, now!  That's not how it works though.  This life is the time for us to learn how to be that wonderful, that Godly.  Heavenly Father knows we will fall short, that is why he provided the Atonement  for us.   He expects us to do the best we can, and He will help us with the rest.  He knows we can't do it all alone or perfectly.  He will HELP us! And we need to help ourselves by loving ourselves unconditionally just as He does.

I've experienced this debilitating cycle time and time again during my life.  One time that has stuck out to me recently was when I was called as a ward missionary.  I had participated in missionary efforts in my ward and began serving with enthusiasm.  I went on visits, talked to less active members and even gave some one a Book of Mormon.  But, somewhere along the way, I lost my enthusiasm.  I stopped serving to the best of my abilities.  I then became discouraged and ashamed.  I didn't want anyone to know that I'd failed.  I had been so excited to be a ward missionary.  I was given the chance to serve a "mission" at home instead of the full time mission I had recently decided not to serve.

Months passed and I would do visits sometimes.  I did what I could.  I taught Gospel Principles and had some amazing learning experiences there.  But, I still felt inadequate.  I would skip meetings because I was ashamed.  Then I would experience increased guilt because I didn't go.  No one said anything to me. Trent and my family assured me I was okay.  But, I could not shake the guilt I was feeling.  I even prayed about asking to be released.

I now realize the guilt I was experiencing came from Satan.  He wanted me to feel so wrapped up in shame that I lost sight of my purpose.  He succeeded for quite some time.  I still sometimes even struggle with the same guilt and shame.  But, Heavenly Father had a plan to let me know He loves me and appreciates my service, no matter how meager I felt it was.

I got a call from our ward secretary asking me if I could meet with our Bishop a week from then.  First off, a week?!?  I had to wait a week to find out why Bishop needed to meet with me, I thought I'd die!  Second, I was sure I was going to be chastised for being a terrible ward missionary and then abruptly released and never given another again.  I spent the next week worrying, crying and talking with Trent about how scared I was to meet with Bishop.

Then, the time came to meet with him.  I nervously entered his office, ready to be thrown out of my calling.  I was bursting with shame and guilt.  Then, the very opposite of what I expected happened.  He thanked me for my service as a ward missionary.  He then extended a calling as first counselor in the Relief Society Presidency.  I was stunned.  I was speechless.  I said thank you through the tears flowing down my face.  That is all that would come out.  My heart was too full and my shame too washed away to even think.  My patient Bishop carefully asked me if that was a yes and I assured him it most definitely was a yes.

I walked out of that office uplifted and full of God's love. I thought Heavenly Father would never trust me with another calling again.  Yet, He showed me he loved me despite my faults and He saw my efforts.  He appreciated what I had done.  And He was ready to bless me even more with this calling.  The shame was gone.  It was replaced with love from God and for God. And an excitement to serve.

This experience helped me realize that no matter what I do. No matter how bad I think I've failed, my Father in Heaven will always love me. He will always give me opportunities to progress and learn.  I am great in His sight.  And at this time, He taught me that I will be given second chances when I have righteous desires. I did not fail Him.  I learned a great lesson.  He loves me no matter what.  And He is teaching me to love myself.  

I chose this picture because I often feel shamed like the woman taken in adultery but, Christ did not judge her.  He loved her and forgave her sins.  Sometimes we are our own pharisees accusing ourselves of being terrible when Christ is there telling us we need not be perfect, we just need to be repenting and progressing.
*Picture courtesy of http://mormonbeliefs.org/files/2012/02/Jesus-and-the-Woman-Taken-in-Adultery-Swindle.jpg*

The Rivers of Sorrow...

I have yet another hymn to share with you today!! 

Many of you are probably familiar with this hymn, or about half of it I should say.  Many times, we only sing the first few verses of extra long hymns and miss out on the amazing second half! Such is the case with hymn number 85, How Firm a Foundation.  

My favorite Verse in this hymn is verse four.  Okay, really they are all my favorite, but I want to talk about the message that verse four contains.  It reads...

Picture courtesy of gregolsen.com

4.When through the deep waters I call thee to go,

The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o'erflow

For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless

And sanctify to thee, and sanctify to thee

And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress

Where do I begin with this verse!? There will definitely be another post not only about this verse but the rest of the hymn.  

Today, I want to focus on the first two lines.  WHEN THROUGH THE DEEP WATERS I CALL THEE TO GO, THE RIVERS OF SORROW SHALL NOT THEE OVERFLOW.  This message has carried me through times of unspeakable sadness and confusion.  I have filled pages with these simple lines, repeating them until my heart no longer aches.  

The first time I heard these words I was singing in a choir for the Ogden LDS Institute of Religion.  I was struggling with significant challenges in my life and did not know where to turn or what to do. You know those times when your heart feel heavy constantly?  When you put on a happy face but really you just want to cry?  This was one of those times for me.  

I was facing a waiting period in my life that I did not want to experience.  I HATE waiting!! (My family and Trent can attest to this fact if you at all doubt how much I really do hate waiting.)  But, the Lord was determined to teach me to trust and have faith in His timing, not mine.  

A year and a half ago, I decided I was going to get married.  That was it, I'd found the man I loved and we would have a quick engagement and live happily ever after.  Little did I know, the Lord (and Trent) had a different plan for me.  I should have known, seeing as I've had experiences in the past that taught me the Lord always has a better plan.  But, I'm stubborn and learn really slow.  

Anyways, so I had decided we were going to get married right?  I started looking at rings, telling my friends and family and waiting for the chance to go...Ring shopping!!  The official start to a journey down the road to marriage.  And then, it didn't happen.  We didn't go! My plans went up in smoke...and I was devastated. I didn't understand why we would need to wait. Why it wasn't the right time. Or why my plans never could work out.  I was mad. I was grumpy. I was well...not engaged!! And I didn't like it.  (Just a side note, Trent and I have had many discussions about why we needed to wait and why it has worked out for the best, and I have permission to share these stories with you.)  

I had devised my plan to be married as quickly as possible. I would choose a month and say, we'll be married by then.  Then when that wouldn't happen, I'd choose a different month and decide to be married then.  This vicious cycle went on for over a year.  (I now realize that I can't make the decision, Trent and I need to decide together along with the Lord, and the right time will come when it does, a later post will cover that.)  

Trent and I a year and a half ago

During this year, I learned a lot about myself and my relationship with the Lord. I learned that I need to trust him more fully.  That to have faith and hope is to endure well and happily.  And I learned that I need to be happy with my circumstances now, and not choose some event or later date to allow myself to be happy.  

Most of all I learned that sometimes we must wade through a river that may seem too deep, too fast or too wide for use to possibly cross.  Sometimes we are not meant to cross that river quickly or even at all.  Sometimes we put ourselves in that river or sometimes someone else will put us in it.  Whatever the circumstances, it is easy to get swept away and feel lost.  I was in this river.  My river was one of sorrow and impatience.  I felt like I was drowning and losing everything I had hoped for.  People would ask why we weren't married and my heart would break.  Trent was constantly reassuring me it would work out.  Everyone said I was the patient one for waiting for him to be ready.  He really was the patient one, listening to me complain and doubt.  

And then, the words of the How Firm a Foundation came to my rescue right at the time I was in desperate need of them.  About three months into my cycle of planning, disappointment, anger and more planning, we began singing this hymn in choir.  The reassurance from my Savior these words brought to me saved me when I could have drown in a river of sorrow.  He provided these words for me at a critical turning point in my life.  I was on the verge of becoming bitter and angry.  I had waded into deep waters and needed help getting out.  

My Savior is the help I needed.  I had to turn to Him. Trust in His plan and know that He knows what's best for Trent and I.  I had to trust in Trent's feelings and promptings and listen to the promptings I was receiving. They both helped me so the rivers of sorrow did not pull me down.  

Sometimes I still get caught up in that river.  I feel as if I am reaching the other side now, but am still not there.  I am still being tried and tested.  I am still waiting (I hate it a little less than I did 18 months ago, slightly..).  But, I can wait with a smile!  I still have my good and bad days.  I have times when I still feel like I'm going to be overcome by this river.  In those times I can turn to these words and remember that no matter what, THIS RIVER OF SORROW WILL NOT ME (OR YOU) OVERFLOW!!  

One Step Enough For Me

There are hundreds of stories and topics I want to share! It is so hard to pick just one...
But, there has been something on my mind lately and I think this is where I'll start.

A couple years ago I discovered this gem of a hymn during a huge trial in my life; when I was trying to decide whether or not to serve a mission.  Today I don't have time to talk about that particular experience, I promise I will soon though.

(All of the hymns I reference will come out of the LDS Hymn Book)

Picture courtesy of lifeintheformofart.blogspot.com

Hymn 97 Lead Kindly Light

1. Lead kindly light amid the encircling gloom; Lead thou me on!
The night is dark and I am far form home; Lead thou me on!
Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see the distant scene--
One step enough for me.

2. I was not ever thus, not prayed that though shouldst lead me on.
I loved to choose and see my path but now, Lead thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and spite of fears.
Pride ruled my will.
Remember not past years.

3. So long thy power hath blessed me, sure it still will lead me on.
O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent till the night is gone.
And with the morn those angel faces smile,
Which I have loved long since and lost a while.

I have turned to these words countless times since then, and they have helped me keep an eternal perspective every time. See, Heavenly Father has a plan for me. He has a plan for you.  Sometimes we can't see the path He needs us to walk.  Sometimes we (I) lose faith and don't trust that his path is better than the one I think is best.  However, this thinking is flawed.  This thinking leads to days months and even years of fear, tears and confusion.

In order to eliminate that fear and confusion I have had to learn to trust in the Lord.
Proverbs 3:5-6 (King James Version) reads; "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths for good."  
This is one of the hardest concepts for me to grasp and apply.

I have been going to college for four years now.  I have changed my major 3 times and have even transferred to a different school to apply for the program I felt prompted to apply for. I thought I had finally found my path.  I thought the decision making in that arena of my life was over.  Little did I know (OK, looking back I did kind of have a feeling) that I wouldn't be accepted to that program.

Five days ago my plans for the next two (and basically all working) years of my life were shattered.  I found out I was not accepted to the program.  I can reapply in a year.  A YEAR!!!  I know that isn't too long. But my master plan is now all thrown off! I was looking forward to being done with school, soon.  And for a minute (or couple days, sadly) I was mad.  I was embarrassed. I was crushed.  But I still felt oddly at peace.  I felt the reassurance that everything would be alright, that it would all work out.  I was still devastated, but I knew, this too would pass.

I still don't know what path I am going to take.  I don't know if I need to apply again next year.  Or if I should go back to school for something else.  Or, if I should do something completely out of my comfort zone, stop school all together.   My path is not yet clear to me.  I do not know where I am going or what I am doing.  Sometimes, that thought overwhelms me and threatens to send me into darkness.  But then I remember... ONE STEP IS ENOUGH FOR ME.  I don't need to see my whole path.  I don't even need to see my next step.  I just need to trust in my Lord and now that he will "direct my paths for good."  He will not let me fail.  He will not forsake me.  He will always be with me. He knows what I need to do.  He knows what He needs me to do!! :)  He will not tell me what to do. But He will support me as I make decisions and help me feel at peace as I make the correct choices.

And that is enough for me.  One day at a time. One hour at a time.  I will trust in my Lord and know that His light will lead me along. That is an ironic eternal perspective isn't it?  Eternal in the sense that I am trusting in an all knowing and loving God and yet limited in the sense that I can not see.

I know all will be well.

Introductions

Hello There!

I have never written a blog so I will ask for your forgiveness concerning my imperfections in advance.

First, I figured I'd start off by telling you a little about myself.  I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, my service and dedication to the Gospel is the center of my life and I am happiest when I am in the service of my God and neighbors.  I have four sisters (three brother's in law), three (soon to be five!) nieces, two wonderful parents, a sweetheart of a boyfriend (Trent) and a wonderful Savior, Jesus Christ, who I will be talking about a lot in this blog.

Second, you are probably wondering why I even started a blog.  Most people will start blogging when a major even occurs in their life. Right?  Well, I wanted to start a blog for a few reasons.  First and foremost, I want to be able to bring light into people who feel they are stuck in darkness.  I also wish to share my experiences and testimony with everyone I can.  I feel as if I have been put on this earth to share what I learn, and this is how I wish to start.

Third, I have had a bit of a rough go these last few months..years..decades...okay, so maybe my whole life.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful life.  It has simply been filled with patience building, faith strengthening and hope fortifying experiences.  I will be sharing some of these experiences and how they helped me turn towards having an ETERNAL PERSPECTIVE (hence the title of this blog).  I feel as if I need to share these stories with the world (even if the only person reading this ends up being Trent).

Last of all, I have a new goal in life.  One I am still trying to wrap my head around.  I am aspiring to become a motivational speaker! I have been contemplating this course of action for a long time and have finally built up the courage to take a small step in that direction. My hope is that as you read this blog, you will share it with others and get my stories and name out to the world.  Eventually I hope to be able to address a wide variety of audiences and teach them to fear not and have an eternal perspective!

Thank you for reading! Invite your friends to read as well!!

My first legitimate post should be up later today!