I have struggled tremendously about what I would like to share with you! I have so many things I could write about, but each time something came to mind, it didn't feel right.
Today, I feel impressed to share with you a couple lessons I have just recently learned. I pray it is what I need to share and that it will uplift at least one person who reads this!
From the time I graduated from High School, I have been very blessed with wonderful jobs! I have had the opportunity to hold multiple positions with companies who provide services and care for individuals with disabilities. I love learning from these amazing people and have enjoyed my time spent with them. However, about six months ago, I began to feel worn out. I felt as if I needed a change. But, I didn't want to think about that right away and so, I put it off. I quickly became frustrated with my duties, hours and even the amazing individuals I was supporting.
I put off finding new employment until I knew my path concerning school in the coming years (as mentioned in an earlier post, the outcome didn't go according to my plans). Once I learned that I would not be attending school for at least a year, I finally decided that it was time to seek out a change in employment.
One of the main struggles I had experienced with my job was the hours. I would work really early some days, swings other days or both in the same day. I felt as if I couldn't get a routine going and I struggle to accomplish much of anything without a solid routine to keep me in check. So, I decided a job at a bank or credit union would be good for me. I wanted holidays off, nine to five hours, no yelling or swearing, no diaper changing, etc. I wanted to try something completely different, and I was excited!!
I began applying for jobs and quickly got a call to interview at Goldenwest Credit Union. I was ecstatic!! Trent can attest to how excited I was to have the opportunity to interview for and possibly get a new job. However, as the interview drew closer, I felt anxious, very anxious. I just pushed that anxiety aside, saying I was just nervous.
I went and rocked the interview. I left knowing deep down that I would get the job. But, I didn't feel excited. I felt...even more anxious. I once again pushed that anxiety aside, saying I was nervous about not getting the job.
The next day, I was offered a full time position at the Roy branch and was told I would start in two weeks (perfectly giving me time to provide two weeks notice to my current employer). I accepted, despite the anxious and now almost sick feeling I had. I put on an excited face and told everyone the great news! I finally was free and would have my ideal job!
I however, did not feel at peace. At this point I should have listened to that anxious feeling I have come to recognize as the spirit telling me a decision I am making is wrong. I have had multiple experiences where the Lord has asked me to go a different direction through the still small voice of the spirit. But, I wanted this job! I wanted a change. I wanted better hours. I wanted more money. I wanted the easy path. And everyone else was so excited! I didn't want them to think I was giving up something good just because I was nervous. I didn't want to sacrifice something I wanted just because I felt anxious about it.
So, I put my wants and what others thought of me ahead what Heavenly Father thinks of me and wants for me. I once again put on that happy face and began my last two weeks at my current employment. Those two weeks were very bitter sweet for me. I gained a perspective I had lost throughout the years. I saw the individuals for who they are and was able to look passed all the little things that had started to drive me crazy. My last day at the group home, I went home and cried like a kid, knowing I was leaving a huge part of my life behind.
But, I was leaving for a good reason, right? I was doing what I wanted. I was following my "dream". So why did I feel so darn anxious and afraid? I continued to tell myself it was because I was starting something new and didn't know what to expect. But deep down I knew, that maybe the path I had chosen was not quite as easy I was hoping it would be.
I started the two week training for my new job and didn't hate it. I was learning new things and had fantastic hours! I even got a holiday off! I was excited to be reaping the rewards of the bank job I had chosen. I excelled in training and soon it was time to take the end of training test. I was a wreck the night before the test!! I was afraid not to pass the test. I was afraid to pass the test. I knew that passing this test would send me to the branch and I would begin actually being a teller. I also knew that not passing this test would result in my termination from Goldenwest. Then, why did part of me wish I didn't pass?
One week ago tomorrow, I went and passed that test. I then began my new job as a teller. The first day, I just observed, and decided that maybe this wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. Maybe I really had just been nervous and now it would get better. Tuesday came and I was the one being observed, it was hard but I survived. I went to bed that night wondering if I had made a wise decision, but decided to give it a couple weeks and then decide if I'd been stupid or not. By Wednesday, I was alone. And I was sick with anxiety. I went home for lunch (another reason I thought I'd love this job, I actually got a lunch break!) and just cried. Trent came over and listened to me complain about how I hated my job and didn't want to go back.
I went to bed that night crying, aching and dreading the next day. Morning came too quickly and I arose feeling weighed down and unprepared for another day of feeling lost and confused. I went to work and hated it. I didn't want to be there. I felt as if I was making no difference and that I was making countless mistakes. I felt stupid, ashamed and awkward. I went home crushed and relieved I had only one more day until the weekend. I muddled my way through Friday and emerged certain that I had absolutely chosen the harder path. I knew I should have listened to the prompting I had received. I knew I had made a mistake. I just didn't know what to do about it.
All day yesterday, I hardly did anything. I felt paralyzed by guilt and shame. I felt as if I couldn't be happy. I was disappointed in myself. I felt as if Heavenly Father was disappointed as well. I realized all along that I wasn't supposed to take this job. Heavenly Father had something else planned, but I had been too stubborn to listen. I cared more about what everyone else thought of me. I didn't want to look like someone who never finishes what she starts. I didn't want to be stuck in the same job. I wanted routine. And the list goes on and on. The problem with this list is, it is full of "I's". Where is the HE (God), where is the WE (Him and I together), where is the trust, the faith, the hope, the joy??
I had abandoned all of those things. And for what? A path that seemed easier? A path that has really turned out to be wrong? A path that is even harder and rockier than the one He had planned for me?
I was so ashamed! (I still am actually) I felt as if I shouldn't be allowed to be happy. I should be punished. I should just stay there forever and live in the misery I had decided upon. I was depressed and lost. I had hardly prayed all week because I was embarrassed. (I didn't realize that until after, but now I do see I was distancing myself from God.) I felt unworthy to be blessed or helped in this situation, because I had put myself into this problem, I needed to get myself out.
I was expressing these feelings to Trent last night and he stopped me. He declared that what I was saying and feeling was false. Satan had planted this guilt, this embarrassment and this shame in me. He doesn't want me to turn to Heavenly Father for help. He wants me to figure it out on my own, because Satan knows that I never will be able to do that. Satan knows that I am too weak to overcome this myself. He knows that I don't have the perspective to see what my options are. He knows that if I separate myself from God, I will be lost and it will be so much easier for him (Satan) to pull me even farther away.
I know that we must face the consequences of our decisions. I know that because I decided to disobey the promptings of the spirit, I am in this situation. But I also do know that my Father in Heaven loves me no matter what!! He isn't going to abandon me because I made a bad decision. He will ask me to face the consequences of those decisions, but He will stand by my side and hold me up as I do so. My Savior knows exactly what I am feeling. He knows how to help me overcome this. He knows what I need to do to fix this.
I just need to ask. I need to give up my pride, my guilt, my shame, my embarrassment and my plans and turn my life over to Him. I need to ask for help. I need to ask for guidance. And I need to listen and follow when that guidance is given.
I haven't decided what to do yet. But I do know one thing, no matter the decision I make, I will only follow the promptings of the spirit to confirm if it is a good one. I will look to loved ones and priesthood leaders for advice but, in the end, the decision will be made between the Lord and myself.
When we put other things above God, we set ourselves up for failure. No matter how alluring the job, party, movie, book, outfit, song, car, friendship, class, university or any other worldly distraction is, we will eventually realize our mistake. We will eventually come before God (whether it be in days, months, years or even in the next life) and realize that He is what really matters. His path is the correct path. He has a glorious plan for each of us. A plan that leads us to a future more beautiful and full of more joy than we could ever imagine. We just have to trust Him and stop listening to the lies of Satan.
 |
| We are all His sheep, He will do whatever it takes to bring us back into His fold, even when we feel we don't deserve it. Picture courtesy of https://www.lds.org/manual /teachings-wilford-woodruff/chapter-7?lang=eng |
back to Him. We will have to apologize. We will have to feel that pain. We will struggle. But, I promise, we will not be alone!
He will welcome us back with open arms! He will wipe away our tears and rejoice in our return!! He will walk through the mud, the dark, the pain and the aching. He will carry us when needed. He will never give up on us.
My favorite quote from this talk is...
"If we exercise faith in the lord Jesus Christ, the enabling power of His Atonement strengthens us in our moment of need, and His redeeming power sanctifies us as we "put off the natural man." This brings hope to all, especially to those who feel that recurring human weakness is beyond the Savior's willingness to help and to save."
I love this because I am continually making mistakes. I am always weak. But, my Savior is always willing to help me! He died so that I can be saved! He will never throw me to the curb and decide I am not worth is. Because in His eyes, I am priceless, I am of eternal worth.
That knowledge gives me hope and courage to face whatever comes next. Whether it be quitting a job I just barely started (and probably facing ridicule and embarrassment), staying in a job I dislike or taking a route I can not yet see. Whatever it is, I will face the future with hope and happiness. I know I will have good and bad days. I know it will not be easy. But I know my Savior loves me and is proud of me. He is ready to help me. All I have to do is reach out and take hold of His loving hand and He will guide me to Eternal Happiness.
I testify that, through Christ, all will be well!
